My guest, Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers, a licensed Sex and Gender Feminist Psychotherapist and Best Selling Author and her mother, Leilani, have a loving yet complicated relationship. When Tina was a little girl and her parents were young and relatively newlyweds, it was a love affair for the three of them. Seven years later, Tina's younger sister was born and by that time, the dynamics of the family had changed drastically. Tina is thankful for the happy years she had with her mother and father and extended Swedish family. Leilani made mention on a number of occasions that Tina was "so fat and happy." It was a very loving environment. Unfortunately, Leilani, as a young child, had an unstable foundation. There had been some traumas and challenges that Leilani had experienced when she was a young girl that seemed to haunt her especially when feeling vulnerable and threatened.
In time, Tina became "the fixer" in the household. The fights and yelling was too much for Tina and she also took on the role of being her younger sister's protector. She felt that she needed to calm everyone down most importantly for herself to feel safe.
Feeling abandoned and neglected early on in her life, my guest's mother, was a highly sensitive child and she didn't get as much attention as she needed as a child. The family deemed her "the neurotic child." It seemed as though the only thing that Leilani's family seemed to valued was her beauty. Leilani became a swimsuit model as a young teen and was basically on her own. This took place between, 1953-54 and she experienced many advances from men as one would imagine and a reminder that this was way before the "Me Too" movement.
Tina had to put up some of her own boundaries between she, her sister and her mom. The triggers of infighting in the family was not where Tina wanted to keep her heart.
Later on in life, as Leilani was starting to suffer from dementia, Tina was able to spend three weeks with her mother, visiting her and helping take care of her. Tina says their common love that they so embraced when Tina was a baby, was so present during those visits. None of the terrible threatening or fearful tendencies showed their face and Tina is so grateful for that special time to rekindle their relationship as though nothing had ever gotten between them.
Tina made reference to a poem by Dorothy Lae Nolte in our conversation. Please find it below. It's still stands strong today regarding principles we try and teach our children and the principles that we hope many children never have to experience.
Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn. If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy. If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence. If children live with tolerance, they learn to be patient.
If children live with praise, they learn to appreciate. If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves. If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and others.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
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